Bullying, Enough is Enough
Kids Can Be Cruel & Don't Know Any Better.....
The first time I was bullied was in sixth grade. This had an impact on my entire life.
I felt like I was in an episode of Full House.
I didn't know the girl, her name was Nicole, yeah I’m naming names.
She would close my locker on me, call me out of my name, and gossip behind my back.
My older sister finally said, “You can't let her do that, you need to fight her!”
Setting the scene…
I walked up to her in a full cafeteria and said, “Meet me at the track at 3 o’clock.”
Like this legit happened, it was not a TV sitcom.
I remember that day like it was yesterday, I was nervous walking across the school parking lot, alone. She was walking on the other side with a group of friends. I remember my best friend from elementary school was walking with her, that really pissed me off.
I felt alone, but then behind me I caught a glimpse of my sister, a bunch of friends, and I felt a little bit better. My sister has always had my back and I hers. We fight like cats and dogs, but we also defend each other no matter what.
I remember getting to the track, a bunch of hormonal teenagers surrounding us and me yelling, “Push me, Push me!” Yes there were expletives in there. We then began pushing each other, and I swung her around on the gate, ended up fracturing my finger needing surgery.
I remember the Science teacher running out of the lab breaking us up.
This fight resulted in me being moved to a different foster home.
To this day I show my students the scar from my fight when discussing bullying and handling situations in a healthy way.
I remember I just wanted the bullying to STOP and I knew I had to do something about it.
Adult Power Struggles
The worst time of all was when I was living in a shelter at age 16. There was a certain staff member, let’s call her Ms. K, that did not like me because I did not participate in group therapy.
How was your day?
What was good about your day?
How do you change your situation?
What fruit do you feel like today and why? (What are we even talking about right now??!!!)
Blah, blah, blah
Sometimes group therapy is just too much.
Ms. K sent me to time out for reusing to participate, and made me face the wall with my hands behind my back.
I mean utter embarrassment and it did not in any way make me want to change my behavior. I didn’t go to the wall and say, “You know what, now that I am facing this wall it has opened my eyes to change!” I just recognized the injustice of it all.
Next time I was in timeout, I said something under my breath like, “Whatever.”
Ms. K took this as her opportunity to grab me and drag me to the restraint room saying, "I've been waiting for this."
I remember she rubbed my face against the carpet, causing rug burn on my cheek. She put her 200 pound body on top of me telling me to calm down.
I wasn't doing anything, I wasn't struggling, I did not deserve to be restrained.
When you restrain someone it is because they are harming themselves, or harming someone else, they are a threat. I was neither at the time. Just a punk teenager trying to get the last word.
I know a lot about restraining because I have been trained to do so. Your goal is actually to deescalate the situation.
That shelter was something else….
I remember having to talk a girl out of killing herself because she spoke no English……
I remember girls running away, and coming back with STD’s.
I remember two girls running away, only to have one pimped out by the other! Yeah you read that right.
Twelve girls lived in our cottage, and no this was nothing like the book, Madeline.
One day in particular, five of the girls seemed to be very upset with me. I could not tell you why, because I stayed to myself. I heard the whispers from the girls, they were going to jump me.
I remember a new staff member standing at my door blocking it, her name was Debbie. I told Ms. Debbie that she needed to get out of the way.
I had a Prose and Poetry trophy in each hand from my elementary school competitions. They were solid granite at the bottom.
The girls rushed the room, Ms. Debbie ended up hitting her head on the side of the wooden bed corner, knocking her unconscious. I ended up fighting my way out, most girls backed away realizing those trophies hurt. One girl got so mad she ended up breaking the window and cutting open her hand.
After the director conducted an investigation, one of the girls that decided not to join in the fight told the director that Ms. K told the girls to fight me, and that they would not get in trouble.
I don't think that she counted on one of the staff members being knocked out, or one of the girls having her right hand cut open 3 inches. It was a rough day.
This is bullying. Not just bullying from kids, but bullying from an adult! It happens when adults take things personally, and try to get into a power struggle with kids. It’s unnecessary and immature.
Kids are kids. Kids in foster care are literally in trauma and that's a whole different subject.
What I’ve Learned
When faced with adversity you have different kinds of people in the world. Those that fight their way through, those that are ready to run away, those that freeze, or those that give up.
I am a fighter, but I have learned to do so with my words and I try to find the Win-Win.
I could probably write a whole book on bullying anecdotes from my time in foster care.
-Sometimes I was the victim.
-Sometimes I was the upstander.
-Sometimes I was the bystander.
-Sometimes I was the bully, I'm not 100% innocent.
I’ve learned bullying has long term negative effects.
Kids and teens have to deal with bullying at a whole different level than I did. Now there is online bullying, harder to track and at a grander scale.
My friend Nicholas posted the following:
This inspired me to write about this topic, but what I have written is very surface level. There is still so much to unpack.
My Advice
To The Parent:
- Know your kids
- Eat dinner with them
- Be intentional about spending time with them
- Know their friends
- Be involved
- Train them on how to handle conflict
- Role play scenarios from various perspectives.
To The Educator:
- Pay attention to what’s going on in your classroom
- Make it a “No Tolerance” policy in your classroom and school
- Take it seriously and report it
- Never dismiss a students concerns, they are valid. Every kid deserves to feel safe.
To The Victims:
- You are not alone
- You are amazing
- Talk to someone
- Do not suffer in silence
To The Bully:
- Do better
- Talk to someone
- Learn how to handle your anger in a healthy way
Lastly, choose kindness, your actions have consequences.
Go to https://www.stopbullying.gov/ for more information about how to address or prevent bullying.
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