Part 1: A Miscarriage
This is going to be a little uncomfortable for you guys. Maybe not Part One, but Part 3, An Abortion may make you dip into your Christian, Political View side. Don't worry I'm not here for that. My advice is if you plan to get judgy go ahead and turn this one off, push X at the top right-hand side of your computer.
You ever notice the older you get, the less you care about people’s judgy opinions? Man old people rock!
Let’s Start with the Most Recent….
A Miscarriage
All weekend I had a weird feeling in my body. Something wasn’t right, but I shrugged it off because like the rest of us, it was a busy weekend. I took Monday off hoping the feeling would go away with a little rest.
Tuesday at work the light brown spotting began…. Very light, but I am RH Negative. Which means I have to be extra cautious that my blood does not mix with the babies or my body will build antibodies to fight off what it will see as “Foreign.” Then every time we try to have a baby again, we won’t be able to because my body will attack it. That is no bueno!
I called the nurses line. Her tone was calm and sweet, but what she was saying really took me aback. She said I should be fine just to monitor myself throughout the day. She started talking about my RH Negative status, and how before the shot they used to call them, “blue babies,” because they would all just die…..Guys, I’m like on the phone crying and stressed, and this is what she decided to talk about in casual conversation. I legit almost hung up on her!
As I left work to pick up Eden at about 5:30PM I felt it, heavy blood. I immediately freaked out, called my husband, told him I was going straight to the ER, and called the nurses line. My nurse Practitioner Mary Helen was on the phone this time, I can tell by the grave tone that I had to have had a miscarriage.
I walked in the ER and had to ask for towels to sit on. Everyone there looked like they had been through hell and none of us wanted to be there. One man was connected to oxygen, another was groaning in pain. I helped a woman to the restroom because she was in a wheelchair slowly inching her way there with her toe! A homeless man pretty much didn’t have on pants. I watched or heard a lady get her arm popped back into place, when she walked in, it was all the way dislocated!
My hubby bought me a change of clothes, and held me tight as we shared a private moment as a family. I remember immediately trying to blame myself for working too much, and not resting enough. He looked me in my eyeballs and said, “STOP! Stop right now.” He then was ejected out of the waiting room with the girls because of COVID restrictions. He’s like, “what are they gonna do? Kick me out??!!!” I’m like, “yes! Stop causing drama.”
After that, the next 7 hours was me, solo. I went in for an ultrasound, I remember looking at the lightbulb, a 625 Luleman Flood light. I tried to ask the nurse what she could see, she said she wasn’t allowed to say anything. Damn, I thought to myself.
Several hours later I was able to get a room and speak with Dr. Chan. She was a very patient and kind woman. She told me the baby stopped developing at about eleven and half weeks and there was no heartbeat. I was 13 weeks at the time. My nausea stopped a week and a half ago, I would give anything to have it back. I was nauseous for 3 months straight! I waited for my RHN shot and I left the emergency room at about 1am. I was so tired and my eyes were so puffed up from crying.
I was crying every couple of minutes honestly. Now I cry every couple of hours. What sucks about a miscarriage is you have 3 choices, you can get a DNC which is an very invasive procedure to remove any fetal tissue, you can get a prescription that will induce you and cause the tissue to come out, or you can choose to do it the natural way and let your body handle it’s business which can take up to 4 weeks! This means the fetus is still in your body until you go into labor and push everything out. I’m told there is a lot of blood. I have chosen option 3 for now, but may change depending on how this goes.
I was cleaning the house today and I put away the positive pregnancy test that was sitting in the restroom, of course I just began to break down.
There are 3 big takeaways from all of this that I have learned that I hope all woman can learn from my experience:
#1 It is not your fault!
1 in 4 woman experience a miscarriage in their lifetime. When people start to say things like, “You need to slow down.” Or “You are doing too much.” They unintentionally are placing the blame on you for the loss of your child. Ignore them, their intentions are good, but they just don’t know any better.
#2 Don’t Suffer in Silence
One of the best decisions I made was to tell people. Yes, I posted via Facebook where I only have family, friends and coworkers. I don’t accept random friends like that. Everyone on my FB has crossed paths with me in one way or another. This allowed people to know what happened, and it allowed people to send their love and support through positive messages. Now guys stop looking at me with sad faces so I can push through this!
#3 Talking To My Children
I prepped my kids on the way to the hospital. I told them that something is wrong with the baby. I told them if the baby is not okay, the baby's soul will return to the lord. The girls and I prayed and cried before we even walked into the hospital door. The doctor gave me really good advice as well. She said, “Be definitive. Baby cannot come, baby will not be coming.” This way they understand that there is no chance of this baby coming. The girls understand as much as they can.
What I find interesting about all this is that this was the baby we planned for to the date! God sometime says yes, sometimes he says no, and sometimes he says wait.
Through all this I keep Jeremiah 29:11 close at heart.
And since I'm a Pathfinder I required to keep a song in heart as well...
I chose Joy By VaShawn Mitchell, Check it out! One of my Favs!
There's beauty in my brokenness...I've got true love instead of pain... There freedom though you've captured me... I've got Joy instead of mourning!
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